Then and Now

1974 Long Hair
2004 Longing for hair

1974 The perfect high
2004 The perfect high yield mutual fund

1974 KEG
2004 EKG

1974 Acid Rock
2004 Acid Reflux

1974 Living in California because it's cool
2004 Living in California because it's warm

1974 Growing pot 2000
2004 Growing pot belly

1974 Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2004 Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

1974 Seeds and stems
2004 Roughage

1974 Paar
2004 AARP

1974 Killer weed
2004 Weed killer

1974 The Grateful Dead
2004 Dr. Kevorkian

1974 Getting out to a new, hip joint
2004 Getting a new hip joint

1974 Rolling Stones
2004 Kidney stones

1974 Being called into the principal's office
2004 Calling the principal's office

1974 Peace sign
2004 Mercedes logo

1974 Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004 Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974 Take acid
2004 Take antacid

1974 Passing the driver's test
2004 Passing the vision test

1974 "Whatever"
2004 "Depends"

1974: OJ, cutting & slashing
2004: OJ, cutting & slashing

1974: Getting your head stoned
2004: Getting your headstone

1974: "The Making of the President"
2004: The making of the President

1974: "Going blind"
2004: REALLY going blind

1974: Worrying about no one coming to your party
2004: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

1974: "Off the pigs"
2004: "No bacon please, I'm watching my cholesterol"

1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system

1974: Disco
2004: Costco

The Kids Today...

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has been only one Pope. They can only remember one president.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tiannamen Square means nothing to them.

Their lifetime always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have never likely played Pac Man and never heard of Pong.

Star Wars look very fake to them, and special effects are pathetic.

There have always been red M&M's and blue ones are not new. There used to be beige ones?

They may have heard of an 8 track, but probably never seen or heard one.

The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost 32 cents.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.

They have always had cable.

There has always been VCR's, but they have no idea what BETA is.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WW1, WW2 or even the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They cannot imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They have never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"

They do not know who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.

The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

There has always been a space shuttle. (1980 was the first launch).

And saddest of all, their parents appear to have been functional illiterates.

25 Signs You Have Grown Up

01. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

02. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

03. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

04. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

05. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

06. You watch the Weather Channel.

07. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

08. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

09. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

You Know You're Getting Old When...

You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions.

A fortune teller wants to read your face.

You finally get it all together, but can't remember where you put it.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You join a health club and never go.

You need your glasses to find your glasses.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

Middle Age

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

19 Things it Took 50 Years to Learn
by Dave Barry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you, anyway...

The George Carlin Theory
by George Carlin

The George Carlin Theory:

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating. . .you finish off as an orgasm."

Getting Older
by George Carlin

Do you realize the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you are going to be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life...you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony...

YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30 .
Oooohh, what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED , we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30...
then you're PUSHING 40 .

Whoa! Put on the brakes, It's all slipping away!!!
Before you know it,
you REACH 50 ...
and your dreams are gone.

But wait,
you MAKE IT to 60
You didn't think you would!

So you:
BECOME 21
TURN 30
PUSH 40
REACH 50 and
MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you...
HIT 70!

After that it's a day-by-day thing; You HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle:
You HIT lunch
You TURN 4:30
You REACH bedtime.

My grandmother won't even buy green bananas!
It's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one!!

And it doesn't end there...

Into the 90s, you start going backwards:
"I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.

"I'm 100 and a half!"

Things it Took Me a Lifetime to Learn

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

Don't be irreplaceable: If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell and have him be happy to be on his way.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Terms Have Changed...

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glu
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

And Finally...

What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity.